Well folks, it’s almost that time of year when we get to gather around a table filled with food that no rational human would ever consider eating under normal circumstances, and give thanks for another season’s bountiful harvest. Our nation’s farmers have toiled long and hard to bring these gifts to the table so your body may be nourished and sustained and grow strong to withstand the harsh winter ahead. Right? Oh, ok, er… so what if the basted fowl in the center of the table is a genetically engineered mutant that has a closer resemblance to a Beverly Hills housewife than its distant relative known as a turkey. Who care’s if the sweet potatoes and green beans come from China? We’re talking tradition here folks. Were celebrating how far we’ve come. We don’t have to rely on farmers in this country anymore. We’ve got land to build on now that those damn farms are out of the way.
And, come to think of it, Thanksgiving is not so much of a harvest celebration anymore anyway. We can be thankful of how far we have evolved as humans. You know, how we’re one world without borders now, harmonious, one big world family as it were. We’re thankful that the majority of the world thinks like we do and shares the same values. Hell, they’re playing football (real football, not that soccer crap) in Europe and baseball in Asia. Now that’s really something to be thankful for. And what about those foreign cultures we have embraced in this country? Thanks to our newfound tolerance and respect for others, we now have salsa and Doritos in our party bowls instead of those old chips and French onion dip. I even heard of folks serving sushi at some of those fancier Thanksgiving throwdowns. Thanks be to God, Allah, Buddah and all the rest. One world, under er…, a higher power, with liberty and, uh…, well, we’re thankful anyway.
Let’s not forget the material things we all have to be thankful for as well. Time was, all we could be thankful for was a chicken in every pot. Now we can have an SUV in every driveway, a flat screen TV in every den, and a retailer on every corner to sell it to us. Now that, my friends, is something we can all be thankful for.
And let us not forget to thank our Nation’s leaders for sponsoring a day to watch football and a war to protect and preserve our freedom to enjoy all our material gifts. Without the government’s efforts to democratize the poor savages of Iraq and other backward nations, each and every tradition that we hold so dear in this country would be under constant siege. I don’t know about you my friends but I like our little corner of this world just like it is and I’m thankful we have a government that supports the effort to keep it that way. Happy Turkey Day!!